its a naked feeling

going back to your maiden name after a divorce…

it feels like failure

yet freedom

heartache

yet hope

it forces a level of exposure nothing can prepare you for…

at first I thought I’d keep my married name

so that I could have that outward connection to my children

many women do 

but as the months wore on and the date of our divorce came closer

hearing the last name of the man 

I let go 

of tacked onto the end of my first name felt 

painful…

I didn’t want to be his wife anymore 

nor

I came to realize

did I want to carry his name…

but going back? 

it felt like regression…

as I pondered this outward sign of my identity 

I found myself thinking 

about the girl 

I used to be… 

the one who got married eighteen years ago 

she lost so much when she stepped into matrimony… 

most of all 

she lost herself

…that wasn’t her husband’s fault, of course 

he was just following the protocol– doing what he’d been taught to do 

as was she

but I did lose myself

I set aside all of my hopes and dreams and goals and desires– for him

but… 

not only for him

for a way of life I was taught would bring me the greatest happiness…

it didn’t. 

I thought, for a while, about creating for myself a new last name–

one not connected with my father– a man who, at the time of his passing, I no longer had a relationship with

(women can do that, you know…. 

when they divorce… 

they can become whomever they want to be…) 

but ultimately it just made sense to become my old self again

so… yes, in a way it is going back

but 

it’s not regression

it’s Reclamation

I am reclaiming that 25-year-old girl who handed over the keys of her future the day she accepted his marriage proposal… 

the girl who wanted to be so much more than the Mormon system wanted her to be…

the girl that didn’t know she had value outside of the approval of the men in her life… 

So…

yes

going back to my maiden name is hard 

it does feel like failure

but it also feels like hope

and relief

I have a right to be me

just me

which…

I now realize after all of these years 

is all I ever wanted to be